Pray for Pope Francis

Word has come to the EF that Enzo Bianchi, "prior" of the Bose Monastic Community and confidant of Pope Francis, has communicated to the leadership of the Federation of "Evangelical" "Churches" in Italy that Pope Francis has finally accepted Jesus Christ as his "personal Lord and Savior" and has thus been "born again." We at the EF believe that this conversion bodes well for the authentic reform of the Vatican. Naturally, given how prone the Curia is to maintaining the status quo, the Pope's conversion has of yet borne no visible fruit, but certain power players in the Vatican are now apparently afraid of being fired, should the new "Evangelical" pope seek to clean the Augean stables of his own staff. Cardinal Coccopalmerio ("Cardinal Cocco" for short) and his fellow partiers, for instance, have threatened Pope Francis with blackmail should he actually follow through on his newfound convictions. They, apparently, have proof that the Pope is actively plotting to interfere in the next American election so as to thwart Putin's foreign policy and to secure the election of Beto O'Rourke. Oh, and apparently the Pope likes Beto's "poetry" too.

April Fools!